more birth thoughts

I have pretty much come to peace with the logistics of the birth at this point. My new worry, of course, is about the birth experience itself.

As a young person, I was never afraid of death---until after I gave birth to my son. Before then, I could never have even imagined that such incredibly all-incompassing pain could exist. I know about the research that shows post-birth hormones dull the memory of the actual birth pain and that hypothesize that their existence is the only way that the human race has survived, since mothers would not go back and birth so eagerly if they could fully remember what it had been like the first time. That is so true. I have seen it in women close to me; my mother told me her labor hadn't been any worse than menstrual cramps and my grandmother was actually shocked when she learned that I was quite vocal---and somewhat vulgar---close to the end of my labor. Last summer, when we were beginning to try to conceive, I remember thinking that it hadn't been that bad and, besides, second births are easier. Now that the actual birth is becoming imminent, I can't recall the actual experience of the pain, but I can certainly recall its existence.

All the books tell you that you should not be afraid, that fear increases pain. And that you should think of contractions as rushes, energy surges, waves. Uh huh. Maybe I'll be a Zen-like Birth Master next week, but here at 35 weeks, I'm just scared.